Dr. Fauci Reports That Alcohol May Help People Survive Coronavirus Briefings | The Borowitz Report

Fauci changes Trump's Twitter Password.


 “I was just waiting for the right opportunity.”  During the daily meeting of the coronavirus task force, the esteemed virologist noticed that, while Trump launched into an extended rant about former Vice-President Joe Biden, he left his phone unattended on the conference-room table.

Springing into action, Fauci surreptitiously took custody of Trump’s phone and changed his Twitter password in a matter of seconds.

“I’d never hacked into a Twitter account before,” he said. “My heart was beating like a rabbit’s.”

Fauci said that there was “little to no chance” of Trump being able to guess his new password. “I used a polysyllabic word,” Fauci said.

C.D.C. Director Says Coronavirus Effort Could Be Helped by Quarantining Pence


The director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said on Friday that significant progress in battling the coronavirus could be achieved by today's blog is a parody of current events and is not true


Fauci watches the farce

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it a “promising development,” Dr. Anthony Fauci said on Sunday that alcohol may help people survive the most severe effects of coronavirus briefings.  He noted that proprietary brands such as Glenlivet single malt scotch showed the best results in clinical trials. with J.J. Corry Irish Whiskey coming in second. He discouraged using rubbing alcohol and frowned upon ingesting hand sanitizers. 





Noting that millions of Americans have been exposed to the daily briefings of the White House Coronavirus Task Force, Fauci said that he had voluntarily submitted to a preliminary trial of the alcohol-based therapy.

“What we have found is that a single dosage before the briefing and as much as a double dosage after the briefing do much to alleviate the most acute suffering,” Fauci said.

The esteemed virologist said that if Americans are able to administer additional doses during the briefings, “Consider yourself lucky.”

But, even as Fauci hailed the benefits of the new treatment, he sounded a note of caution. “The effect of this medication is temporary,” he said. “Sadly.”

Fauci’s findings are in line with anecdotal reports indicating that Americans have been alleviating symptoms in a similar manner since November 2016.

Other comments from Anthony Fauci MD

Jared Kushner was missing for several days.  An Amber alert was issued, then cancelled when he was found locked in a restroom at Washington, D.C.s Dulles airport attempting to evade TSA agents.  He was found to have a flight reservation to Ukraine.  Fielding a question at the daily briefing by the Coronavirus Task Force, the esteemed virologist said that it was most likely “a regrettable accident” that resulted in Donald J. Trump’s son-in-law being trapped in the bathroom for nine hours.

“Doors get locked by mistake all the time,” Fauci said.

When a reporter pointed out that the bathroom door had been locked from the outside with a padlock, Fauci replied, “Whoa. That’s a different kettle of fish. I had not heard that. Padlock? That’s crazy.”

Dr. Fauci Says He Has No Idea Who Locked Jared Kushner in Bathroom

Calling his action “in the interest of public health,” Dr. Anthony Fauci changed Donald J. Trump’s Twitter password on Friday.

“This is something I’ve wanted to do for weeks,” Fauci told reporters. “I was just waiting for the right opportunity.”

During the daily meeting of the coronavirus task force, the esteemed virologist noticed that, while Trump launched into an extended rant about former Vice-President Joe Biden, he left his phone unattended on the conference-room table.  Calling his action “in the interest of public health,” Dr. Anthony Fauci changed Donald J. Trump’s Twitter password on Friday.

“This is something I’ve wanted to do for weeks,” Fauci told reporters.

CDC calls for quarantining Mike Pence

Speaking to lawmakers on Capitol Hill, the C.D.C. director said that, given Pence’s record as a science denier who mishandled an aids outbreak while he was the governor of Indiana, an immediate quarantine of the Vice-President was “an essential first step". “Mike Pence should be sealed off in a secure area, where he will have no access to a phone or computer,” the director said. “That will go a long way toward containing the harm he might otherwise cause.”

The C.D.C. chief added that there were a number of places ideal for quarantining Pence, all of them in Antarctica.

Shortly after the C.D.C. director’s testimony, Pence forcefully took issue with the assessment. “The threat I pose to the nation has been wildly overstated, and I do not know how to use a computer,” he said.

Trump Screams at Pence for Not Praying Hard Enough to Make Biden Lose

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A harrowing scene unfolded at the White House on Tuesday night as Donald Trump screamed at Mike Pence for “not praying hard enough” to make Joe Biden lose the Super Tuesday primary contests, sources said.

Witnesses to the vituperative dressing-down of the Vice-President reported that the evening started badly after Trump saw the returns from Virginia, which Biden won handily.

“Mike, you were supposed to tell God to make Sleepy Joe lose,” Trump snapped. “A lot of good your ‘praying’ did.”
ALL TOPICS SHOULD BE CONSIDERED A PARODY AND ARE NOT TRUE

WASH YOUR HANDS FREQUENTLY



Dr. Fauci Reports That Alcohol May Help People Survive Coronavirus Briefings | The New Yorker: